Daddy

I'm not even fully sure what I'm feeling, yet. I'm so.. upset.. I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm scared and I'm hurt and I just feel so small.. There isn't anything that I can do to fix things and it terrifies me. I'm probably going to ramble a lot in this blog, but it's because I have so many thoughts right now.  I think i'll just go through each emotion, so you get the gist.

Anger:

Dad, every single day I left a note for you begging you to stop smoking. When you're smoking, we're all smoking. I cried & I yelled & I begged. It's NOT fair! It isn't. Why should I have to suffer for what I pleaded you to stop doing?! I know it wasn't entirely smoking that caused this, but it sure didn't help. And you know how I feel about it. :(

Sad:

Daddy.. I have nightmares like this all the time, as you know. So, it hasn't fully hit me, yet, that this is all really happening. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. You're mine.. I've cried so much over this whole situation. You and Mom mean so much to me. Losing either of you would crush us all.. You two, as a pair, are so..inspirational. I've never seen a love as strong as the one you two have. I can't imagine you not being here. I don't want to imagine you not being here.. Going to Kate's wedding, Dittle and I talked a lot about when her and I would get married. I need you to be there when I finally do get married.. I need you there for everything I do in the future. 

Fear: 

More than anything, Daddy I'm afraid.. I am so scared. I have never felt this small. Everything is happening so fast and I have absolutely no control over any of it. Each second is rushing by and it's terrifying. I can't lose you. 

I feel so little. Dad, you mean the world to me. You're such a big part of the person I am. Even having you gone for a few weeks is proving to be excruciating for me. I am at the hospital as often as I can be. You need to survive this, Dad. You're so incredible, in my eyes. The food you cook and the desserts you bake? How many times have I told you to open a restaurant?! And your embarrassingly funny jokes? "YOUR MOTHER!" "Have I given you enough to talk about!?" Daddy.. don't go. It isn't fair. I love you with all my heart, and I know you're afraid, but I am going to be there holding your hand throughout everything. God, I love you. I miss you. Come home soon, alive and well. 

Yours forever,

Belly