Hope is drizzling onto my skin

It's raining. Grey skies, puffy silver clouds with no devious gaps, that desperately try to let in some sunshine; the world is lovely right here and now. Every bad day, painful experience, heartbreaking event, embarrassing occurrence, or disappointing situation can be erased with a rain drop. I think Regina Spektor said it best, when she sang, "Raindrops are falling on my head, but that doesn't mean that I am dead. I do not know, where does it go, when it goes? Suddenly though, every thing's slow and I miss you so. In a town that's cold and grey, we will have a sunny day." I'm head over heels in love with the rain. When the first sheets of "gloom" cover the sky, my mind is clouded and a layer of naïvety and happiness coats my brain, deleting every bit of sadness that I've ever felt. And even now, as I parade through the bullets of rain, wearing clothes that will not prevent, but rather promote, a vicious cold, I feel limitless, immeasurable, everlasting, and infinite. Oh, how delighted I'd be to see a flicker of lightning or hear a rumble of thunder. I have never been a girl who loves the sunshine, ironic as that is. I would love to move to Seattle, Washington, where it rains for 9 months out of the year. Rain is the most beautiful of all weather patterns. Snow, sunshine, hail, wind; nothing compares to the grace and the delicate movement of rain. I'm lucky enough to have the room with the end of the gutters; this allows me to hear the rain at the highest volume throughout the night. Rain gives me a feeling of boundless hope, and, in my eyes, raindrops shine brighter than the sun. 

Life in Yellow

Yellow is my favorite color; that's true. But, to me, it signifies happiness. It signifies belief, hope, faith, miracles, etc. When I'm so happy, I could cry? I feel yellow inside. I feel a surge of love flow through every vein in my body, and I feel bright & smiley & yellow. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever gotten that smile? The one where you have to push your cheeks together to force the smile off of your face? I feel that sometimes. To be quite honest, I'm generally like that. I want to write a song or record an album and title it 'Life in Yellow,' because it's just the way I live. So many things make me happy:

Pandas
Gloomy weather/Rain
Sunflowers & Daisies!
the number 4, strangely enough..
Seattle, Washington
East Coast :)

My family

Theater & Singing

And allllll of my best friends :)

and maaaaany more :)

Daddy

I'm not even fully sure what I'm feeling, yet. I'm so.. upset.. I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm scared and I'm hurt and I just feel so small.. There isn't anything that I can do to fix things and it terrifies me. I'm probably going to ramble a lot in this blog, but it's because I have so many thoughts right now.  I think i'll just go through each emotion, so you get the gist.

Anger:

Dad, every single day I left a note for you begging you to stop smoking. When you're smoking, we're all smoking. I cried & I yelled & I begged. It's NOT fair! It isn't. Why should I have to suffer for what I pleaded you to stop doing?! I know it wasn't entirely smoking that caused this, but it sure didn't help. And you know how I feel about it. :(

Sad:

Daddy.. I have nightmares like this all the time, as you know. So, it hasn't fully hit me, yet, that this is all really happening. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. You're mine.. I've cried so much over this whole situation. You and Mom mean so much to me. Losing either of you would crush us all.. You two, as a pair, are so..inspirational. I've never seen a love as strong as the one you two have. I can't imagine you not being here. I don't want to imagine you not being here.. Going to Kate's wedding, Dittle and I talked a lot about when her and I would get married. I need you to be there when I finally do get married.. I need you there for everything I do in the future. 

Fear: 

More than anything, Daddy I'm afraid.. I am so scared. I have never felt this small. Everything is happening so fast and I have absolutely no control over any of it. Each second is rushing by and it's terrifying. I can't lose you. 

I feel so little. Dad, you mean the world to me. You're such a big part of the person I am. Even having you gone for a few weeks is proving to be excruciating for me. I am at the hospital as often as I can be. You need to survive this, Dad. You're so incredible, in my eyes. The food you cook and the desserts you bake? How many times have I told you to open a restaurant?! And your embarrassingly funny jokes? "YOUR MOTHER!" "Have I given you enough to talk about!?" Daddy.. don't go. It isn't fair. I love you with all my heart, and I know you're afraid, but I am going to be there holding your hand throughout everything. God, I love you. I miss you. Come home soon, alive and well. 

Yours forever,

Belly